Trials, tears, and those silly numbers

I thought I had been doing so well, I thought I had been dealing with my struggles, and changing my attitude, changing my habits and lifestyle. But I'm sitting here crying again. I feel helpless and frustrated and tired of it all. Why, oh why, does my weight have to be such a struggle? Why does it make such a difference to me? Why do I feel like when there is more of me I am worth less, less beautiful, less interesting, and less likely to have people like me and be my friend?

I've been sitting here just looking at the first paragraph I wrote, wondering if I should just erase it. But really, why would I? Do I really want to just post the happy things? Should I make it sound like my life is perfect, that I am always happy, and that I never have problems? The answer seems obvious: No. That would pretty much be leading others to assume a lie.

So, I didn't delete it. It has just been sitting here on my screen for hours, the little cursor at the end just blinking waiting for me to decide what I was going to do, what else I am going to write. I feel a little bit silly now for my outburst, for my sobbing, my feeling of utter inadequacy to change. It sounds so foolish: A number made me feel this way? a few inches? a few favorite outfits I no longer fit in? No, it has proven to be more than that, so much more. It's the fact that I have shown that I don't have the discipline and self-control that I should. It's that I thought I had beaten this, but here I am again. It's that I have failed -one of my biggest fears.

 I now know that on my own power I can't do it! I've tried and failed. But I was reminded that I have help:  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13  I don't need to worry so much about everything I have to accomplish alone, and how often I have failed before. I need to start each day asking God for His strength to help me make the wise decisions, and the choices that I should. Of course, I still have goals, I will still need to eat healthy, and exercise. But I'm not doing it alone! God has also given me wonderful friends who have proven themselves time and again over the past few months. My weight and how terrible I feel about it has come up not just a few times. They have always encouraged me, offered prayer for me, offered advice. So, thank you friends! You know who you are, and I hope you know how much I appreciate it!
I also have my wonderful husband. My dear Alex, who -somehow- despite the way I feel about myself, can make me forget everything I hate about how I look, can make me forget everything I was worried about, and I can believe him when he tells me how beautiful I am. He can make me laugh about what had me in tears minutes before, and make a huge burden seem insignificant. If only I knew how to just hold on to that feeling all the time, if I could just keep believing it. What would I ever do without you, Alex?

Maybe, maybe the whole purpose of these struggles are to strengthen my faith and draw me closer to my God. I know that He has some purpose for it, even if just to show me the foolishness of what I want, or what I think I need. Because, honestly, I probably don't know. I'm so thankful for the things He has already shown me, the things He has given me when I thought something else would be better. I do trust Him, and I know that even though I don't know what's going on -and yes, it is quite difficult and painful- He does know and I can trust Him. He has already explained to me:
    “ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
      Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
       “ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
      So are My ways higher than your ways,
      And My thoughts than your thoughts. 
                                        Isaiah 55:8-9 (NKJV)

 Maybe this seems like a lot of rambling to you, but I'm going to post it anyway. I don't think I'm dealing with all of this for nothing, and maybe, through my struggles, I can be a help or an encouragement to someone else.