I have a confession

I think I started out with some sort of illusion about what being a mommy would be like because the first few weeks home with Jacob were mostly rather terrible. It almost makes me feel a little bit guilty to admit it, but it was bad. The first day we were home it was like my little man completely forgot how to nurse. Every time I would try to feed him he started choking and gasping and would spit up whatever bit he managed to eat, and he started wanting to eat every twenty minutes because he wasn't getting what he needed. I was going on three or four days with literally no sleep, and still in constant pain from my surgery. It hurt to try to move him to a better position, it hurt when he wriggled while crying, it even hurt just to hold him for any length of time. Emotionally I was a wreck. I knew my baby needed food, he was so hungry, and crying all the time! I couldn't figure out why breastfeeding wasn't working all of a sudden, I even did internet searches on how to get a good latch, or why a baby would end up with so much air while nursing...but none of it helped. Multiple times that day I was sitting on the edge of the couch holding my screaming newborn just sobbing because I didn't know what to do. Eventually I was able to get in touch with a breastfeeding counselor from the classes I had been attending and she helped me figure out a hold that worked. I'll never forget the relief I felt when Jacob was actually able to eat and didn't spit up afterwards. He fell asleep in my arms and I was able to nod off for a little bit.

I think that being deprived of sleep made everything seem harder than it was. I got so overly stressed and worried about everything. I was up again for the fifth time in a single night, had nursed Jacob and was just waiting impatiently for him to fall asleep again so I could stumble back to my own bed. We had been sitting there for about 10 minutes already, it felt like an eternity. His eyelids were just starting to droop closed again, when -for the third time- he kicked his legs into my incision and popped his eyes wide open. I had had it! I was so tired, and still so very sore, and to my tired mind it felt like he was purposely doing everything he could to stay awake, just to punish me for some unknown reason. I very roughly stood up and put him by himself on the bed saying "I can't do this right now!" But then his eyes got real wide and he started to sob. I felt like the worst mom ever...again.

I knew having a newborn would be hard and demanding and tiring, but I had such high standards for myself, started out wanting to be so perfect. I thought I would be able to not get frustrated or upset, that I would want to hold and snuggle my baby most of the day, be perfectly content and happy to be his only source of food, never use a pacifier, never put him back to bed when I knew he had a wet diaper. I thought my baby would sleep through the night at 2 weeks and that until then having to get up with him would be easy. Reading this now I realize how conceited I must have been. That changed though.  I started doubting myself, I was constantly feeling like a failure, like a terrible mother, feeling guilty because I got frustrated with my sweet precious baby again, wondering if my baby was unhappy because he was fussing so often, feeling like I was too dependent on my sweet husband (who was so willing to change Jacob's diaper anytime he needed it). I felt like such a wimp because I had never heard anyone talk about just how long recovery from a c-section would take, I had never heard anyone complain about the fact that lack of sleep would be so emotionally and physically taxing, never had anyone mention that when the baby was getting a diaper change and suddenly peed on the wall and spit up at the same time I would feel so overwhelmed I would start crying. I was to the point that I questioned my ability to be a good mom and I started wondering if I was the only one who had ever had this much trouble, the only one who questioned if maybe it had been too soon for me to have a baby, maybe I should have waited a few more years and I could have handled it better?
All of which is why I'm writing this post. Now that things have gotten better (My incision is almost pain free, and my little man is a month old and sleeping 4-5.5 hours in one stretch the first part of the night) it would be so tempting to just write about the wonderful parts of being a mom: the sleepy smiles, the gasps that I can only assume are Jacob's way of laughing right now, the three hour afternoon naps, the sweet little snores, the fact that he doesn't scream when we bathe him anymore, the emerging personality... I just wanted other struggling first time moms to know that they aren't alone in the stress. And it's not true that you're the only one. I imagine that if I were to start asking around each and every woman who is a mom had times that they doubted themselves, or got so frustrated they had to just stop and walk away for a moment, or had an emotional breakdown and sobbed all over their hubby...it's just not something that's talked about I guess.

So, just in case you're wondering:
Yes, I do get frustrated sometimes still. Especially when Jacob is taking an hour to go back to sleep in the middle of the night.
Yes, I do snuggle him sometimes during the day, but I often put him in his swing, bouncy chair, or crib to nap while I do housework, or even just sit and watch a tv show.
Yes, there are still times when I put Jacob back to bed even when I know he has a wet or poopy diaper. It just depends on how bad it is, how long he's been in it, and how difficult I think it would be for him to get back to sleep after I change it.
Yes, I am Jacob's only source of food, but there are definitely times when I wish my husband could be the one to get up and feed him at 5am, or that I could just give him a bottle when we're at church and he's hungry again. He has had one bottle of pumped milk just so I knew he would do okay with a bottle if we ever leave him with his grandma (Valentine's day date?)
I do use a pacifier, as much as I was completely against the idea. And, I admit it has been wonderful to help him get a better eating schedule (nursing for 5 minutes every hour was getting to be a hassle) and soothe himself to sleep.
No, Jacob isn't sleeping through the night yet, and the longer periods of sleep have made getting up easier, but it still isn't easy.

What's your newborn experience? Please tell me I'm not the only one!


And now, pictures. What's a baby related post with no pictures?

See? My baby cries. This particular time he was hungry

Such a sweet little man