Jacob these days

Tomorrow my baby is going to be 8 weeks old! I can hardly believe it, sometimes it feels like he's always been around, other times it seems like he just arrived. The way he is already growing and developing is amazing to watch! Last weekend he weighed 9.5lbs and was almost 21inches tall. The nurse is coming back every week to check his growth for a while because his height dropped to under 5th percentile from being around 10th when he was born. We're hoping that with me feeding him every time he's hungry (no more trying to make him wait 2 hours) he'll start to shoot up as well as fill out.

At 4 weeks was the first time Jacob rolled over -tummy to back- purely on accident. He just hates tummy time that much. He rolled over again a week or so later, twice in a row! But hasn't since then, partially due to the fact that he hasn't been getting tummy time everyday. He developed a cold a few weeks ago, and some days neither of us feel up to it. It's terrible to hear his sinuses all clogged up. We're thankful for a good nose aspirator, and a vaporizer in his nursery. He's almost all better!

Jacob seems to be a rather fussy baby most days. During the day unless he is napping or eating he is usually fussing, or in the stages of Alex or I calming him down. (My mom said I was her fussiest baby, so I guess he gets it from me. If he continues taking after me, he'll be a very well-behaved child though! *wink*) A good part of the day is spent nursing, walking around bouncing him, holding him on my shoulder and offering him his pacifier, or going window shopping so he can sleep in his car seat. Over the past few weeks there are some times -usually right after eating- that he'll be happy and content from anywhere between 5-30 minutes. As much as I love him all the time, I especially enjoy these moments, when he is smiling and kicking his legs and looking around at everything and cooing.

Adorable little smile

Valentine's Day was the first time Jacob slept through the night...or at least, what I thought was considered sleeping through the night. He slept for 7 hours straight through! I was a bit confused when the next night he was back to only 2 or 3 hours at a time. Tuesday night this week he slept 7 hours again, then 5 last night. So maybe, just maybe, he'll keep it up this time. Even if he doesn't I'm getting used to the interrupted sleep, and I love snuggling him when he's still sleepy and only woke up to eat a little bit. I love his crazy hair sticking up. I love the opportunity his nighttime feedings give me to pray for him, and for me and Alex as his parents. I also decided that I'm very glad we started him sleeping in his crib at a week old. He really sleeps very well in it at night now, even though the first few weeks were a struggle.

Naptime.

There isn't much we can do for playtime with Jacob yet. He loves doing bicycle legs, or having us wave his arms for him. He also loves music and does his own little wiggling dance when music is playing. Sometimes playing music will calm him down when he is fussy. He has started to interact with Alex and I: if we click our tongues at him he'll try to copy us, and often succeeds. This is usually followed by a big grin from him. Another good way of playing with him (and calming the fussiness) is holding him under his armpits with his feet touching the floor (or your knees, or the couch...etc) and letting him "jump" in the air. He could do this for hours and if you stop when he wants to keep going he'll let you know by pushing out with his legs. Jacob also loves his bouncy chair if someone is using their foot to actually make it bounce. He just stares at the toys hanging down, and tries to talk to the animals by cooing and gasping. He also loves the music it plays, and in the past week I've memorized the 2 tunes on it.

A few other things I love about my little man right now:

* Jacob loves bath time now. We bathe him every night before bed and he would probably just contentedly sit in the water for hours if we let him.
* When he stretches he makes the funniest face! Scrunched up nose and curled upper lip, with both hands in fists...I really want to get a picture of it.
* Diaper changing isn't a hassle anymore. He still pees everywhere on occasion, but he doesn't scream through the whole diaper change.
* Jacob loves the word "banana" as well as Sesame Street's "manamana" song (which Alex introduced me to last year. I had never heard it before!) which we think could be because Mom is trying to teach him "Nana" for his first word.
* You can always tell when he's about to toot! Fists go in the air, he scrunches his legs up, and grunts like crazy. Alex and I can't help but giggle at it sometimes.
*Jacob loves car rides, or pretty much anything that involves moving while being in his carseat.
* He makes a ton of noise while eating. He gulps, sighs, and belches really loud.
* He snores during naptime, sometimes making milk bubbles out his mouth

One of the few pictures I have of me and Jacob. I'm usually behind the camera.

The parking lot

It seems to me that most people will remain civil, or even polite, when out in public, except when it comes to a Wal-Mart parking lot. It amazes me sometimes just to watch people. A few months back when I was about 33 weeks pregnant I was very relieved that Alex found a parking space somewhat close to the doors. It had been a busy day and I was tired of walking, plus we were only running in to pick up a few groceries. He pulled into the space at the same time another woman spotted it. She seemed to be so angry that we got there first (without speeding or doing anything dangerous. We didn't even notice her until we were parked) that she sat in her car in the middle of the rows. When we got out of the car she started yelling at us -though we couldn't hear her, her windows were up- and making angry gestures...but there was a spot open a few cars down!

It seemed to be an isolated incident until a week or so ago. I still just have to shake my head thinking about it. Another busy day at Wal-Mart. Alex and I had just finished taking Jacob to a growth check appointment and stopped to pick up a few things. We found an empty parking space in the middle of a far row. Alex turned his car to pull in and a man with a cart, who was apparently completely oblivious, walked right in front of Alex and almost ran into us. Alex had to maneuver not to hit him and ended up being too crooked to pull into the parking space without hitting the curb. (You know, the curbs they put around the trees?) He started backing up and didn't see a suburban that was just coming towards us. When he noticed it he had only backed up a few inches, and he stopped to let the guy past. As it went by and Alex was finally able to park, I noticed the driver directing a crude finger gesture towards us out his window. I hadn't seen the driver, but I just chalked it up to an angry teenager wanting to show his rebellion. As we were walking inside I heard a very rude name being used in one row over, and other than noticing how frequently I hear foul language, I didn't think anything of it....until we got inside and were putting Jacob in the cart and an elderly man looked directly at Alex and called him another rude name. I was thoroughly confused and a bit shocked, and as we were shopping I asked Alex about it. He just shrugged and said it was the man who was driving the suburban, and mentioned that the man had already called him a name as we were walking towards the store.
The whole occurrence just left me dumbfounded! I wouldn't have been as surprised if Alex had actually done something wrong -or even rude- or if the man was many, many years younger. The fact that someone of his age would be so enraged and immature about something so trivial...it's just hard for me to comprehend. Later, just in passing, I mentioned to Alex that you have to wonder what other things are going on in his life for someone to be so angry and hateful to a complete stranger. I ended up just feeling sad for the man.

I'm thankful things like that haven't happened more often, but sometimes I still get discouraged at the lack of consideration for others. The many carts left in parking spots, the smokers standing right at the entrance with their lit cigarettes (something that bothers me even more now that I have a baby breathing it in) the people in the store too busy to simply move over to make more room for someone coming the other way.

And after that somewhat depressing sounding post, I think I'll have to write something cheerier very soon!

I have a confession

I think I started out with some sort of illusion about what being a mommy would be like because the first few weeks home with Jacob were mostly rather terrible. It almost makes me feel a little bit guilty to admit it, but it was bad. The first day we were home it was like my little man completely forgot how to nurse. Every time I would try to feed him he started choking and gasping and would spit up whatever bit he managed to eat, and he started wanting to eat every twenty minutes because he wasn't getting what he needed. I was going on three or four days with literally no sleep, and still in constant pain from my surgery. It hurt to try to move him to a better position, it hurt when he wriggled while crying, it even hurt just to hold him for any length of time. Emotionally I was a wreck. I knew my baby needed food, he was so hungry, and crying all the time! I couldn't figure out why breastfeeding wasn't working all of a sudden, I even did internet searches on how to get a good latch, or why a baby would end up with so much air while nursing...but none of it helped. Multiple times that day I was sitting on the edge of the couch holding my screaming newborn just sobbing because I didn't know what to do. Eventually I was able to get in touch with a breastfeeding counselor from the classes I had been attending and she helped me figure out a hold that worked. I'll never forget the relief I felt when Jacob was actually able to eat and didn't spit up afterwards. He fell asleep in my arms and I was able to nod off for a little bit.

I think that being deprived of sleep made everything seem harder than it was. I got so overly stressed and worried about everything. I was up again for the fifth time in a single night, had nursed Jacob and was just waiting impatiently for him to fall asleep again so I could stumble back to my own bed. We had been sitting there for about 10 minutes already, it felt like an eternity. His eyelids were just starting to droop closed again, when -for the third time- he kicked his legs into my incision and popped his eyes wide open. I had had it! I was so tired, and still so very sore, and to my tired mind it felt like he was purposely doing everything he could to stay awake, just to punish me for some unknown reason. I very roughly stood up and put him by himself on the bed saying "I can't do this right now!" But then his eyes got real wide and he started to sob. I felt like the worst mom ever...again.

I knew having a newborn would be hard and demanding and tiring, but I had such high standards for myself, started out wanting to be so perfect. I thought I would be able to not get frustrated or upset, that I would want to hold and snuggle my baby most of the day, be perfectly content and happy to be his only source of food, never use a pacifier, never put him back to bed when I knew he had a wet diaper. I thought my baby would sleep through the night at 2 weeks and that until then having to get up with him would be easy. Reading this now I realize how conceited I must have been. That changed though.  I started doubting myself, I was constantly feeling like a failure, like a terrible mother, feeling guilty because I got frustrated with my sweet precious baby again, wondering if my baby was unhappy because he was fussing so often, feeling like I was too dependent on my sweet husband (who was so willing to change Jacob's diaper anytime he needed it). I felt like such a wimp because I had never heard anyone talk about just how long recovery from a c-section would take, I had never heard anyone complain about the fact that lack of sleep would be so emotionally and physically taxing, never had anyone mention that when the baby was getting a diaper change and suddenly peed on the wall and spit up at the same time I would feel so overwhelmed I would start crying. I was to the point that I questioned my ability to be a good mom and I started wondering if I was the only one who had ever had this much trouble, the only one who questioned if maybe it had been too soon for me to have a baby, maybe I should have waited a few more years and I could have handled it better?
All of which is why I'm writing this post. Now that things have gotten better (My incision is almost pain free, and my little man is a month old and sleeping 4-5.5 hours in one stretch the first part of the night) it would be so tempting to just write about the wonderful parts of being a mom: the sleepy smiles, the gasps that I can only assume are Jacob's way of laughing right now, the three hour afternoon naps, the sweet little snores, the fact that he doesn't scream when we bathe him anymore, the emerging personality... I just wanted other struggling first time moms to know that they aren't alone in the stress. And it's not true that you're the only one. I imagine that if I were to start asking around each and every woman who is a mom had times that they doubted themselves, or got so frustrated they had to just stop and walk away for a moment, or had an emotional breakdown and sobbed all over their hubby...it's just not something that's talked about I guess.

So, just in case you're wondering:
Yes, I do get frustrated sometimes still. Especially when Jacob is taking an hour to go back to sleep in the middle of the night.
Yes, I do snuggle him sometimes during the day, but I often put him in his swing, bouncy chair, or crib to nap while I do housework, or even just sit and watch a tv show.
Yes, there are still times when I put Jacob back to bed even when I know he has a wet or poopy diaper. It just depends on how bad it is, how long he's been in it, and how difficult I think it would be for him to get back to sleep after I change it.
Yes, I am Jacob's only source of food, but there are definitely times when I wish my husband could be the one to get up and feed him at 5am, or that I could just give him a bottle when we're at church and he's hungry again. He has had one bottle of pumped milk just so I knew he would do okay with a bottle if we ever leave him with his grandma (Valentine's day date?)
I do use a pacifier, as much as I was completely against the idea. And, I admit it has been wonderful to help him get a better eating schedule (nursing for 5 minutes every hour was getting to be a hassle) and soothe himself to sleep.
No, Jacob isn't sleeping through the night yet, and the longer periods of sleep have made getting up easier, but it still isn't easy.

What's your newborn experience? Please tell me I'm not the only one!


And now, pictures. What's a baby related post with no pictures?

See? My baby cries. This particular time he was hungry

Such a sweet little man