I sit on my bed tangled wet hair falling down my back, looking dejectedly at the outfits I had already decided to wear, then rejected. A single tear makes a trail down my cheek.
"I don't know what to wear!"
Alex comes over and pulls me into his arm, hugs me tightly and kisses the top of my head.
"You're beautiful no matter what you decide to wear."
For years I have struggled with my weight, it seems that I have always been at least a few pounds heavier than I should be. Losing weight isn't easy for me either, I have to be super careful about what I eat, and I have to exercise without fail. I learned how to lose a few pounds here and there but I never felt like it was good enough. By the time I was fourteen I had discovered that it was much easier to just not eat than to constantly be wary of how much sugar or how many carbs I was consuming and then have to work it all off later. I developed the habit of drinking coffee most of the day, and then if I felt hungry I would eat some dinner. I liked the way being hungry felt. When my stomach was empty I felt skinnier, and so, I felt happier. I thought I had finally found something that would end my struggles.
It didn't though! When I ate a piece of cake, or even a piece of chocolate I felt like I had ruined everything. I felt guilty when I would eat. There were days when I couldn't even eat a whole sandwich. Sometimes I would just feel weak and shaky, not having the energy to do everyday tasks. When I realized that I would be considered a bordering anorexic I started changing my habits and trying to eat more often during the day. I didn't want to end up being that girl who looks like a skeleton but still wants to lose "five more pounds". I didn't want people feeling sorry for me, pointing at me, or telling other people not to be like me. So I found a new obsession: Dance Dance Revolution. An exercise I enjoyed! It was fun to try to earn the highest scores, and I was good at it! I would spend hours every evening challenging my siblings to try to dance longer than me, and always outlast them. I would go to bed after having spent anywhere from 2-5 hours dancing. Not even a pulled muscle kept me from it. I slowed down a bit when the game disc got scratched and stopped working very well, but it seemed I had gotten past a hurdle.
Without even realizing it I kept losing weight, and I was ecstatic! Over the next 3 years I lost over 30 lbs, without starving myself, or feeling like weight loss was controlling my life. I was able to consistently buy clothes in smaller sizes, I was able to look in the mirror and
almost feel happy with what I saw.
It didn't stay that way though. Towards the end of 2010, I started putting on weight again. I got married and things were different. My body is still adjusting itself to new hormones, and a new lifestyle. Also, I wasn't as active anymore. I had moved and wasn't walking around town, going on hikes, or playing backyard football with friends. Suddenly, something I thought was just a part of my past reared its ugly head and I found, and still find, myself falling into the same old thought patterns. I want to just not eat rather then trying to figure out what is good for me and what's not; what will be used for nutrients and vitamins, and what will just become fat. I fight with the idea of exercising just to exercise. I want to be splitting wood, playing a game with friends, doing something productive and actually accomplishing something that I can see the immediate results of.
I am very blessed to have a wonderful husband who helps me when I feel hopeless, who reminds me of the promises of God I get to claim, who loves me despite everything I dislike about myself. I also have two wonderful sisters who let me call them when I have a problem, who encourage me to make the healthy changes I need to if I want to lose weight, and who let me know that they will always be there for me. I have friends who are so willing to pray for me and let me know that they love me despite my problems.
You may be asking yourself what the point of this (very long) post is. The things is, I have friends who are also struggling with the way they feel about themselves, I see people I don't even know and recognize a struggle that has been very real and personal to me. I know beautiful women who don't realize the beauty that other people see in them, and they struggle with becoming "good enough". They reject or brush aside compliments seeming to think that the people who give them are just trying to be polite. I want people to know that they aren't alone, that they aren't the only one who has ever looked in the mirror and felt like crying over something they can't seem to change. I just want to tell them, to tell
you that you are beautiful and you don't have to change yourself for other people. The God who created you made you wonderfully and He loves you more than you could ever realize.
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." ~ 1Samuel 16:7 (NKJV)
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. ~Psalm 139:14 (NKJV)
